18 July 2019

The Boriad – Books 1,2 and 3

Not, in fact,

by Homer

Book 1

 

Like great Achilles, Boris Johnson

from his tent full armoured sprang.

No more skulking in the shadows,

now’s the time to upward man.

 

His Patroclus, the Raab Extremis,

in his borrowed armour strove;

but died before the Hunter’s fury

(assisted by the darts of Gove).

 

Till then his care for the Borides

(should he know just who they are)

and fair Carrie, her couch despoiled,

kept Boris from the toils of war.

 

But Jove the thunderer in his heaven,

knew that this would never do.

If foul Remain’s to be confounded

heroes must as heroes do.

 

So he sent the lovely Laura

Kuenssberg, the Minervan maid;

In her handbag was his order.

“Off your arse!” is what it said.

 

Up got Boris newly armoured

sword of bombast, shield of froth;

to engage with Marr the wise man,

arbiter of lies and truth.

 

Can he defeat the famous Hunter

when with pledge in hand they meet?

Or three times round the walls of Brexit

will he be dragged in dire defeat?

 

Book 2

 

On Olympus, cloud compelling,

Jove a summit meeting called.

Janus Jez, two faced on Brexit,

claimed that he was quite appalled.

 

“Much too friendly, much too nice guy

This debate needs bile and bite.

Stir their hatreds! Split their party!

Make them quite unfit to fight.”

 

Down went Hermes (not the handbag),

Conway, Fink and Liddle too,

to stir the pot with nibs of poison

for that is what they’re paid to do.

 

So now the heroes meet in anger,

with their supporters, great and less;

Achilles mother helped him prosper

Boris just has IDS.

 

Polished pledges, sharpened half truths

each side rains upon the foe.

Less taxation, lots more policemen

Boris says, but does he know

 

Where the needed funds will come from?

His dividend may not exist.

His promises come back to smite him,

returned by Hunt’s avenging fist?

 

Round and round our heroes scramble

Hunt will give the navy more!

Could this appeal to Tory stalwarts?

Leave Boris stranded on the shore?

 

But lo from heaven a cry of anguish;

Who now will champion poor Remain?

The heroes both are all for leaving

Must she just die, her cause in vain?

 

Book 3

 

No, at Jove’s side feasts Jean-Claude Juncker,

his victuals tributes from the Greeks

and other PIGS, who listen awestruck

when, after his dessert, he speaks.

 

“This Brexit business, such a nonsense

why should they think of leaving me?

Why leave the safety of my empire,

so close across the wine dark sea?

 

Had I but spoken at the hustings,

the vote would ne’er have gone awry.

Fair Cameron would still be ruling

who now in dusty grave does lie.

 

Still I’m too great for such work nowadays

 – yes I’ll have foie gras with my toast  –

Ms von der Leyen must take the cudgels,

and lay about the Brexit host.

 

Nymph Ursula, my fair successor,

your armour don!  Your car away!

With savage rules and regulations,

Boris transfix and Hunter slay.

 

A puppet, that is what is needed.

not Vince, he always was too old.

But in the wings there lurks young Stewart

a brave explorer, fierce and bold.”

 

To earth now sweeps the sacred chariot

drawn by a pair of glittering steeds.

In Ursula’s hand a fell epistle

will spur Lib Dems to glorious deeds.

 

So is great Boris doomed to perish

in aftermath, if not in vote?

Can he face down the force unleashed

When the nymph delivers what Juncker wrote?

 

Has he no friends in the high heavens

who will stand up and fight his cause?

No most of them a clown do think him,

but just a moment, let us pause.

 

Isn’t there at the gates of Hades

a god called POTUS fierce and strong

who in his late perambulations

swore that Boris could do no wrong?

 

Send for POTUS, God of Chaos,

Bolton and Pompeo too.

They’ll redress the unfair balance

So Boris thought and rightly too.

 

See next week

 

(After Pope – by about 300 years)