11 July 2019
The Boriad – Books 1 and 2
Not, in fact,
Like great Achilles, Boris Johnson
from his tent full armoured sprang.
No more skulking in the shadows,
now’s the time to upward man.
His Patroclus, the Raab Extremis,
in his borrowed armour strove;
but died before the Hunter’s fury
(assisted by the darts of Gove).
Till then his care for the Borides
(should he know just who they are)
and fair Carrie, her couch despoiled,
kept Boris from the toils of war.
But Jove the thunderer in his heaven,
knew that this would never do.
If foul Remain’s to be confounded
heroes must as heroes do.
So he sent the lovely Laura
Kuenssberg, the Minervan maid;
In her handbag was his order.
“Off your arse!” is what it said.
Up got Boris newly armoured
sword of bombast, shield of froth;
to engage with Marr the wise man,
arbiter of lies and truth.
Can he defeat the famous Hunter
when with pledge in hand they meet?
Or three times round the walls of Brexit
will he be dragged in dire defeat?
On Mount Olympus, cloud compelling,
Jove a summit meeting called.
Janus Jez, two faced on Brexit,
claimed that he was quite appalled.
“Much too friendly, much too nice guy
This debate needs bile and bite.
Stir their hatreds! Split their party!
Make them quite unfit to fight.”
Down went Hermes (not the handbag),
Conway, Fink and Liddle too,
to stir the pot with nibs of poison
for that is what they’re paid to do.
So now the heroes meet in anger,
with their supporters, great and less;
Achilles’ mother helped him prosper
Boris just has IDS.
Polished pledges, sharpened half truths
each side rains upon the foe.
Less taxation, lots more policemen
Boris says, but does he know
Where the needed funds will come from?
His dividend may not exist.
His promises come back to smite him,
returned by Hunt’s avenging fist?
Round and round our heroes scramble
Hunt will give the navy more!
Could this appeal to Tory stalwarts?
Leave Boris stranded on the shore?
But lo from heaven a cry of anguish;
Who now will champion poor Remain?
The heroes both are all for leaving
Must she just die, her cause in vain?
See next week
(After Pope – by about 300 years)