17 June 2021
Spend, Spend, Spend!
Consumer advice for the blingocracy.
By Neil Tidmarsh
Oh happy days! The dam has burst, the log-jam has broken, the rivers of gold are flowing again! Ok, full relaxation has been delayed another four weeks, but let’s not forget – the shops are open, restaurants are open, pubs are open! Remember what it was like only a year ago, when we were all locked down in our palaces and pent-houses with nothing to do but count our piles of cash (ever-growing but temporarily useless) and audit our digital wallets (swollen with Bitcoin) and wonder in despair and frustration if we’d ever be able to dazzle the world with them again? So, fellow millionaires and billionaires and zillionaires, let’s get out there now and spend, spend, spend!
Ah, but what to spend it on? Yes, that’s a problem. I feel for you, I share your existential anguish. Once you’ve got a roof over your head and food in your stomach and clothes on your back, then getting rid of your surplus pounds / euros / dollars can become a bit of a challenge, even something of a headache. But never fear – Shaw Sheet is here to help you, as ever, with up-to-date advice.
How about a pair of trainers? Limited editions worn or designed or owned by celebrity athletes or musicians will go a long way towards salving your consumerist angst in private and burnishing your bling in public. A pair of Dior Jordans could set you back tens of thousands of quid; a pair of trainers worn by Michael Jordan recently sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars at auction; a pair of Kanye West’s Nike Air Yeezy trainers went for over a million pounds two months ago. Yes, the “humble sporting shoe” has been transformed “into a cultural item comparable to an Old Master painting or a Chippendale commode” in the words of The Sunday Times’ Louise Eccles. And the beauty of it is, you might only have one pair of feet, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop at one pair of trainers! One of the internet’s biggest influencers, the UK’s own Sherlina Nyame, who is paid thousands of pounds by top brands Nike, Puma and Adidas to promote their footwear, is the proud owner of over 500 pairs.
But – buyer beware! As with Old Master paintings, the market is awash with fakes. Some of them are more or less indistinguishable from the real thing – which is hardly surprising as some counterfeiters in southeast Asia are reportedly operating in the same buildings as the authentic manufacturers and sourcing the same materials. So why bother with the real thing if a cheap knock-off is just as convincing and impressive, registering the same score on the blingometers of your friends, relatives, rivals and enemies? And even if you do unwittingly fork out a fortune on fraudulent footwear, does is matter, if no one can tell the difference? (Interestingly, in a court case in Paris this week in which an alleged con-man was accused of stealing invaluable Hermes handbags from a Saudi princess, it emerged that nine of the eleven bags were fakes – and no one knew.)
Unfortunately, the human eye might not be able to tell the difference but apparently the human nose can. Spoil-sports at eBay are training their staff to sniff out fakes – the glue is a dead giveaway, apparently. Anyone selling Nike, Adidas or New Balance trainers for more than £150 will now have to submit their goods to this and other tests. A job which combines sniffing glue with sniffing second-hand trainers isn’t for everybody, but those of us whose vocation it is to mindlessly spend, spend, spend should revere these brave eBay operatives as martyrs and heroes. (Can’t dogs be trained to do this, you may well ask? Well, yes, and probably better than human beings, too – but there are no puppies left to train as sniffer dogs for bombs and illegal drugs, let alone dodgy trainers, thanks to you and me buying them all as lockdown companions. On the other hand, scores of dogs trained to sniff out marijuana in the US are being made redundant now that so many states are legalising weed – but they’re too old and no doubt too stoned to be re-trained to sniff anything else.)
But don’t despair. Even if you don’t have millions to squander on a pair of Kanye West’s cast-offs, or don’t want to risk millions on what might not be Kanye West’s cast-offs, there are still options. Reduce the risk, ramp up the bling, embrace the illusion. According to Louise Eccles, an empty paper bag or cardboard box is the latest must-have. You can buy an empty Louis Vuitton shoe box for £75, an empty Rolex box for £160, an empty Tiffany box for £51, a dozen or so Chanel paper bags for £265, a Louis Vuitton paper bag for £32. But hurry – quick! – all these and other pieces of packaging which boldly display luxury brand names such as Yves Saint Laurent and Tag Heuer are selling fast on-line. Walk down the street with those bags dangling from your arm and everyone will think you’ve been splashing out in Mayfair! Pile those shoe boxes and jewellery boxes behind you when you take your next selfie and no one will know they’re empty!
And, finally, how about this for an idea? I’ve just created a unique work of digital art. It consists of all the full-stops (157 in all) used in this piece. And it can be yours – for £7,654,321.00, let’s say. That’s an impressive enough sum, isn’t it? Top bling to bash your friends, relatives, rivals and enemies over the head with! Er, no, you can’t take the work of art home with you. No, you can’t hang it on your wall. No, you can’t keep it safe in a bank vault. It exists on-line only. Yes, other people can look at it. Yes, other people can copy it. Well, I’ll give you an NFT, a non-fungible token (whatever that is), to prove that you own it (whatever that means) via block-chain technology (no, I’ve no idea what that is, either). So what do you reckon? No? Not tempted? Well, I can’t say I blame you. It was just an idea. I don’t see it ever catching on, do you?
Tile photo: Grailify on Unsplash
