1 August 2024

Gizza Job

by Paul Branch

Welcome to the new political universe, a world of expectation and not a little trepidation.  Apart from all the announcements of new initiatives, some bearing a more than passing resemblance to manifesto pledges despite the absence of money in the bank, the really nice thing was that the incoming lot were being very nice to Rishi Sunak, and he was being very nice to them.  No doubt that mood of courtesy and consideration will soon be shattered by the new hooligan on the block, young Nigel and his gang of five.  But let’s hope all the new, enthusiastic MPs getting their first taste of Westminster will set examples of their own on how to behave decently, to colleagues and opponents alike, and stay well away from the temptations that got the better of many of their predecessors.

Our dearly departed Corbynista columnist would have been delighted with many aspects of the election result: possibly the sheer scale of the movement of the political tectonic plates, but certainly the return to parliament of the blessedly independent Jeremy, and no doubt also the resurrection of Diane Abbott back in the Labour fold, as Mother of the House no less.  Buckets of tears are being shed across the country, some sincere, others of the crocodile variety, for the myriad Conservative members no longer with us, but one in particular stands out as not to be missed unless you happen to be a professional political sketch writer.  Fortunately we have news of his progress in finding a new career path, courtesy of an unexpected publication of the transcript of a recent interview, as follows.

Interview notes, 5 July 2024:  UpperClassJobs-R-Us, Bath agency, NE Somerset; recording started 10:05 am

Good morning Mr ….. ?   Do please take a seat.  You have a CV ….?   Excellent, thank you.  Aah, my apologies …..  I see you are a Sir rather than a mere Mister … and a hyphenated surname to boot, marvellous.   Can we use first names, or would you prefer ….. ?   No problem, Sir Jacob, let’s take it from there.

Just a quick look if I may … very recently available I see … commendably smart off the mark, well done you.   So ….  last employment was as Conservative Party Member of Parliament for North East Somerset and Hanham …… local lad then, but  recent events not quite in your favour  …. no great surprise there.  Somewhat strange we didn’t seem to see or hear much of you during the election, and you with such a prominent personality …..any thoughts on that?

Shame that nice Mr Sunak didn’t think there was much point in you popping your head above the parapet.   Bit of a history there no doubt …. things that might have been better left unsaid?  A few minor indiscretions on that news programme they let you loose on?   And that little episode of reclining on the front benches in the House ….. possibly not the best optics.  However, you must be immensely proud of holding the record for the longest word ever spoken in a parliamentary debate in the House of Commons   …. not quite sure what “floccinaucinihilipilification” means though* ….

You really do have some good character references here …. Cardinal Nichols, Archbishop of Westminster no less …. always helpful to have the clergy on your side, and useful for the future ….. Sorry, not very well put I’m afraid … I meant for the next phase of your career path, not necessarily in preparation for the next world …. but who knows?   There’s a Mr Johnson I see who gives a glowing description …. any relation to he of the famous “Hasta la vista, baby” quote? …. and a Ms Truss who thanks you touchingly for your unfailing loyalty and support.   Nothing though from your last employer …? 

Couple of tips at this point, if I might make so bold.  I should draw a veil over that Eton/Oxford education background if I were you … and the fluency in Latin …. sadly they don’t seem to convey the most compelling vibes any more.   Try Slough Comprehensive instead, and maybe don’t press the university … not that it was much of a degree anyway.   And your style of dress … is that your grandfather’s demob suit?   Employers these days tend to look for something just a tad more up-to-date, maybe a little more in tune with current styles and attitudes.          

Early work experience in finance I see, mainly positions in investment …. given your current jobless situation do you have much stashed away for a rainy day in investment funds?   Aaah, apologies …. I see you actually owned the fund companies themselves.   Well good for you, and smart thinking to move them to Dublin just after the Brexit referendum  …. hope that wasn’t too taxing for you, if you’ll excuse the pun?   And was the referendum and all that followed something you had much to do with while in parliament?   Perhaps park that as well, and your financial and broadcasting history …. might just give the wrong impression.

But an absolute plethora of other experience from your time at Westminster ……  should stand you in good stead.  All those ministerial posts you held, and it seems you also had an audience with Her Late Majesty I see …. It says here it was to confirm to HLM that she was well within her rights to close down parliament and give you all a well-earned breather …. I expect she enjoyed that …. shame the court case didn’t go quite to plan.

Now, as regards opportunities …. not much doing at the moment I’m afraid, what with summer nearly here …. did you take Classics at Oxford, or was it just History?  …..  pity, Greek a bit rusty then ……. would have been helpful for a gentleman here from Athens, in their government actually …  you might have stumbled across him?  …. a Mr Mitsotakis ….   wants a bit of diplomatic help in  recovering some lost artefacts ….. not your scene then?  …. so we’ll move on.

Now here’s something a bit nearer home …. we do have a slot with an elderly lady, just back into parliament as it happens, looking for a junior diary secretary ….. you may know her?   Lives in London  … Hackney actually …. are you familiar with that neck of the woods? ….. a Ms Abbott …. ?    Oh, not quite what you were expecting  …. There’s really no need for language like that …. especially from a Knight of the Realm and upright gentleman churchgoer ….  and please don’t slam the door on your way …..

Interview terminated by client; recording ended 10:15 am.

Post Script:  thankfully a job has been found – “Meet the Rees-Moggs” will be airing soon on a US TV channel specialising in reality shows.  As someone once said:  “From the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success”.  Jeremy Clarkson and Prince Harry, look out for the new boy on the block.

*For the uninitiated:  the habit of considering something as worthless.  The record for the longest word spoken in parliament, during a Youth Select Committee debate, is of course pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoniosis, which as we all can deduce is a form of lung disease caused by volcanic ash.

cover photo published under licence: Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0)