04 February 2016

The New Courtesy

Is the masking of the Italian statues the start of a trend?

By Chin Chin

Hospitality has always been at the heart of civilisation and by covering their statues to welcome President Rouhani of Iran the Italians have truly set a new benchmark.  No matter that, as a sophisticated diplomat, the President was hardly likely to take offence in any case.  No matter that he holds a PhD from Glasgow Caledonian University and that there are more shocking sights on the Glasgow streets on a Friday night than nude statues.  It is flattery, and not concerns about guests being offended, which lies at the heart of this game, and in flattery symbolism is everything.

Of course this sort of thing is not new.  You will see it in British homes up and down the land.  Suppose Aunt Lucy announces that she will pay you a visit.  No, not any Aunt Lucy but one of those special elderly aunts who absolutely rolls in cash but has no one in particular to leave it too.  She is also a teetotaller and the last word in low church piety.  Now your house has little of piety about it.  There are doubtful DVDs in a stack by the telephone, “Fifty Shades Of Grey” lurks on the coffee table and there is a poster of that girl in the loo.  Actually you cannot remember which girl it is but she is decidedly pretty and it must have been a very warm day indeed when the picture was taken.  A selection of your favourite whiskies populates the sideboard.  Aunt Lucy doesn’t visit often – rather like Iranian presidents in fact – and she is your only aunt so of course you want to make her comfortable.  What does she see when she enters the living room?

Is there still a pile of sexy DVDs?  Dear me, no.  You wouldn’t want to risk upsetting the poor dear, so “Girls without clothes” has been replaced with “Best dirges from the lower churches” and “Fun with psalms”.  There is no sign of “Fifty Shades Of Grey”, either.  Just a study or two on the missionary work of prominent Quakers and, of course, the Presbyterian Book of Approved Jokes.  The poster on the loo wall is now from a missionary society – one of the kids nearly put up St Francis but you wouldn’t want Aunt Lucy to think that she might be in a house tainted with Catholicism.  The range of fruit juices which now adorns the sideboard is the only touch of the exotic in an otherwise serious and understated room, and your teenage son is for once out of his bedroom.  It is only his obvious affection for his Great Aunt that can pull him away from the comparison between the four Gospels which he has been writing, up there on his computer.

And the upshot of it all?  Is Aunt Lucy fooled for a moment?  No, of course she’s isn’t.  Not for a moment.  She will give a hilarious account of her visit, with accompanying mimicry, to her friends after Church on Sunday.  Still, she will be a little pleased.  Due obeisance has been paid and, being an old lady who likes a good joke, she probably enjoyed watching your son wondering which side to take when asked whether he supported disestablishment.

There you are, you see, we all do it.  It is just that the Italians, their political antennae tuned by Machiavelli, have become adept in the application of domestic techniques to the field of state affairs.

From Mr Rouhani’s point of view the whole thing must be gratifying.  He has the reputation of being a pleasant and modest man and I am sure he has a sense of humour.  Still, he would hardly be human if he didn’t wonder to himself just what the Italians would do to get him on side.

Suppose he let slip that the Prophet detested pizza, for example.  Would they close all Pizza shops in Rome for a day?  What if he mentioned that he was nostalgic for his days in Glasgow?  Would the pizza shops be forced to sell deep fried mars bars, and would the carabinieri lie down in the streets with blood on their faces and an artistic display of beer cans spread around them?  What if he threw them all into confusion by mentioning that he would be interested in seeing this new sport of bungabunga which he had heard was supplanting football?

As Mr Rouhani works his way through state visits to the various European powers, this type of flattery may well become the norm.  In fact it may catch on as a technique in negotiations generally.

Do you remember the famous chess matches between Bobby Fischer and Boris Spassky in the early 1970s?  Well, whether you do or not, almost as much time was spent on pre-match negotiations, the exact positioning of chairs etc, as was spent in the games themselves.  Perhaps international negotiations will become like that, too, with a round of complements from which expert analysts can judge the relative bargaining power of the two sides.

“ Ah, Cameron has had Nelson’s column blocked out.  He must want the agreement badly to go that far.”

“ But then Hollande has agreed to serve English wine at the French embassy dinner.  The British must have pushed hard for that”.

“ Yes, both sides are prepared to make sacrifices.  It is almost a done deal.”

Countries in a sufficiently powerful position would not make gestures at all and would simply impose them on others as a precondition to negotiation.  That would symbolise their strength.  Others would bluff and try to cow the opposition by retaining their natural character.  The most embarrassing meetings, however, would be between those who were both hoping to pay a surprise compliment.  We may yet see a meeting between Italians in long white robes and Iranians in slick Italian suits.