19 January 2017

Just Among Friends

Favours must be returned.

By Chin Chin

MI6 is “briefing both ways”, deceiving both the Russians and Americans! “MI6 officers are never ex”! The Russian commentary on the British Secret Service following the revelation of the “dirty dossier” on Trump is worthy of John le Carré. So what is going on? We know that Steele, who passed the salacious tapes to the FBI, had once worked for “the circus”, but are our spies really as formidable as the Russians make out, or is the GRU itself engaged in a conspiracy to damage the reputation of British intelligence?

The answer to that last question is both “yes” and “no”. There is indeed a conspiracy but, as the Shaw Sheet moles have informed us, the aim is not to undermine MI6. In fact it is exactly the opposite.

Recruiting spies is more difficult nowadays. For one thing the modus operandi has changed. In the glory days you simply went along to King’s College Cambridge and sidled up to suitable undergraduates. They were quite easy to spot. Some form of a twisted relationship with their fellow human beings was mandatory and a bit of gay activity was a help as well. That sort of thing made them outsiders, an important requirement if they were to become insiders in relation to state secrets. Most of them were, of course, men.

Things have changed since then. Posts have to be advertised. What is more, they have to be open to both sexes and that poses a problem for an organisation whose top officials include “the third man,” “the fourth man” and “the fifth man”, together with other numerically designated males. Ask a young lady applicant if she has ambitions to become the new “fourth man” and you are likely to get a dusty answer.

The image of the work has changed, too. Once upon a time a sports car, a complex or two and a revolver were all the equipment you needed. A daily collection from the dead letterboxes in the South of France (before midday on Saturdays, please), a meeting with the CIA in a suitably downbeat bar, a whisky or two and the day’s work was done. No wonder that there were plenty of applicants for the job. Now, however, it is different. Much more time is spent in front of computer screens analysing dull conversations in other languages. Even listening in on other people’s conversations can be tedious with a great deal of time spent following the wrong leads.

“There’s no doubt about it, M, something is going on. There are many more references to Isis being picked up by GCHQ.”

“Indeed, Commander Bond, indeed. Has it occurred to this is boat race week and that that is the name of the Oxford second crew?”

The closure of the old recruitment routes and the demystification of the job have made recruiting more difficult, and not just for the British Secret Service either. The CIA has found much the same, as indeed have their traditional opposition at the GRU. Indeed the whole intelligence community faces a talent shortage.

Now we all know what happens when a profession comes under threat. Criticise the legal profession and barristers who have just been tearing into each other in court will bind together immediately to counter the attack. It is the same with the intelligence community, so from time to time, in seedy bars in the world’s capital cities, members of different agencies sit discussing how to raise the profile of their calling. Perhaps they will not consider it discourteous if we listen in:

R (head of recruitment, MI6): “Well, it’s damned difficult at the moment. All the brightest sparks want to go to the Treasury to wrestle with Brexit. They see us as dull. We need something to bolster our reputation. How do you keep your recruitment up, Vladimir?”

Ж (GRU): “We had the same problem, Harry, but it’s much better now that our friends at the CIA have arranged for a whole lot of us to be thrown out of the US for hacking. That has raised our profile back home and no mistake. It has made us sound racy and ruthless. Plenty of recruits from the younger generation now.”

Felix (CIA): “Yes, I think you owe me another vodka for that one, Vladimir.”

Ж (GRU): “Well, I don’t know about that. What with the Crimea and all, we’ve done a fair bit to enhance your role. Still, it was much appreciated. Another round, waiter, and make it doubles. Ask old 汉 to come over and join us. He’s fiendishly clever. He will probably crack Harry’s problem in a trice.”

汉 (Chinese intelligence – after hearing the problem explained): “Maybe we could use our new Islands in the Pacific. Look, your chaps send a frigate, we will persuade our lot to detain it and then you can help it make a daring escape. Increased profiles and better recruitment all round, I would say.”

R (turning slightly pale): “That’s a kind offer, of course, but I think it has been done before. 1949, HMS Amethyst and the Yangtze Incident, as I recall it. Our press is stupid but the whole thing was made into a film shown on television so even they may spot the repeat. Look chaps, could we go for something just a little less dramatic?”

Ж (GRU): “OK, what about this then? We put together some salacious tapes about this new American guy, Thump or whatever his name is. You pass them to Felix here in a ‘maybe we did, maybe we didn’t’ sort of way and he sends them to social media. Everyone blames you. Lots of good stuff about playing both ends and never leaving MI6 till you die. Hints that this is all in a days work down at the River House. If that doesn’t get them lining up in Cambridge, nothing will.”