24 November 2014

What about our Wine?

An EU Fantasy

By William Morton

Several newspaper articles caught my eye in the aftermath of the Brexit vote. They dealt not with issues such as the passporting of financial institutions or the need to attract foreign investment after our departure, but with something which really matters – how do we get our hands on the UK’s share of the EU’s wine stocks?  Precisely what they now consist of is unclear but in 2012 there were approximately 42,000 bottles of wine, some held by the Commission and a larger number by the Council of Ministers. In addition, both bodies hold a stock of spirits.  It makes you wonder. Just how does the EU manage its cellar?

I see the Départment du Vin as being a discreet body housed in a neat townhouse in Brussels and not in the Berlaymont Building.  It is a tight little organisation with four staff.  The Chef du Départment is Honoré Villefranche, a French oenophile and retired diplomat.  His last post was ambassador to Côte d’ Ivoire and he is a friend of Francois Hollande.  They used to share a desk in the good old days at the École Nationale d’Administration.  Honore’s PA, also French, is Jean- Jacques Rousseau, recently graduated from the Sorbonne. Honoré and Jean- Jacques have a relaxed working relationship which is good as Jean- Jacques is the nephew of Honoré’s wife.  The next important member of the team is Jean-Claude Juncker (no relation), a somewhat sombre Luxembourger with many years’ experience of the hotel business who knows a soft billet when he sees one.  He is responsible for cellarage and selecting the wines for the various events and ensuring that they are delivered to the relevant venue.  Then there is the Belgian secretary, Madame Hortense, who keeps everybody supplied with cake, coffee and sympathy.

Since the inception of the EU, the position of Chef du Vin has been held by a Frenchman.  Other member states have tried to argue that it should rotate but the French and German leaders have agreed that wine is far too important to be left to less sophisticated countries. The Germans are, however, keen to have their turn and it is probable that Honore’s successor will be German.  Andrea Merkel pushed hard for this the last time she discussed the subject with Hollande.

The highlight of the Department’s year is its tour of the vineyards of Bordeaux and Burgundy to assist them in their selection.  It takes a week and the team is transported by a chauffeur- driven limousine drawn from the EU car pool.  It is rumoured that the chauffeurs draw lots for the job.  First grade chateaux and domaines are not that welcoming as there is more to be made from selling to the Far East but an enthusiastic welcome is guaranteed at the second tier. ‘Tres agréable’ is the unanimous verdict of all who go on the trip.

One problem for the Department is wines from member states, particularly newer ones, with less tradition of wine-making.  Left to his own devices, Honoré would only buy French and a little German and Italian.  However, after representations by the states excluded, he has been told that he must buy some from them, so Jean-Claude has the task every year of placing an order for wine from one of the ‘lesser’ members (this year it is Croatia’s turn).  As a result, there are some bottles in the cellar which are proving hard to shift.

Scene- the office of the Chef du Vin, Honoré Villefranche.  Enter his assistant, Jean- Jacques Rousseau.

HV: ‘Jean-Jacques, I have a delicate task for you. As you know, the perfidious English are leaving us’

JJR: ‘Good riddance, mon Chef’

HV: ‘As they are going, they have demanded a share of the wines and spirits of the noble institution they are so carelessly abandoning.  I am instructed that we must comply with the demand.  Therefore, what I want you to do is to put together a parcel of 5,000 bottles of wine and 250 of spirits from our stocks.  I see no reason to give them any of our best wines.  I suggest you start with the Château Bon Copain which we bought from old André to help him out when he had a bad vintage and then see what you can find in the offerings from some of our newer members – Bulgaria and the Slovak Republic come to mind.  I am sure our British friends will also enjoy some of the grappa and slivovitz we have.  On no account are they to get any cognac or armagnac.  Compris?’

JJR: ‘Parfaitement, mon Chef’

Scene- the Office of the Cabinet Secretary, Sir Humphrey.  Enter John Stuart Mill, a keen young Civil Servant, fresh out of Oxford.

SH: ‘What is it, Mill.  I am very busy.’

JSM: ‘I am sorry to bother you, Sir Humphrey, but something has come up.  Nicola Sturgeon’s office has been on the phone asking when they can expect their share of the EU wine.  Given the extent of the powers devolved to Scotland, they consider they have a right to some of it.’

SH: ‘The ruddy nerve!’

Sir Humphrey thought for a while.  The correct answer would be that the wine was clearly an asset of the Central Government and the Scots could request the odd bottle if they ever had an occasion which merited it.  Then another solution occurred to him.

SH: ‘Mill, I have a delicate task for you.  I want you to choose 1,000 of the worst bottles the EU have sent us, for we can be sure they have sent us some real duds.  I seem to recall there was even some Château Bon Copain on the list.  Put the highest possible price on the wine and then tell the Scots, when the parcel is ready, that they can pick it up, cash on delivery.  Among the powers devolved to them is the power to pay for their own drink.  Oh, tell them also that we will throw in the grappa and slivovitz for free.  They might even like them.  Trust those bastards not to send us any brandy.  Understood?’

JSM: ‘Perfectly, Sir Humphrey’

 

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