15 September 2016

Zersetzung

A spy story.

by Neil Tidmarsh

Last month, US secretary of state John Kerry complained to President Putin about harassment and intimidation against US diplomats in Moscow. The Russian security services are allegedly conducting a campaign of zersetzung against them; mind games which involve breaking into the diplomats’ homes and re-arranging the furniture, or stealing the tv remote control, or leaving fluffy toys behind (very sinister), or using the toilet without flushing, or even taking a dump on the living-room carpet. The tactic was developed by the Stasi, the East German secret police, to psychologically break anti-communist dissidents in the 1970s.

Of course, our spooks don’t play such games. At least, not intentionally…

Extract 1: From the report of agent A161, 08/09/16:

Successfully broke into the Chelsea apartment of Mr and Mrs Petrov at 11.43am, while cultural attaché Anton Petrov was at his office in the Russian embassy and Sonya Petrov was at the hair-dressers. Installed the audio bug and the hidden camera in Mr Petrov’s study.

His study is very messy. There were some dirty cups and glasses on his desk so I took them into the kitchen and rinsed them out. There were quite a few dirty dishes in the sink, so I washed them up while I was at it. I can’t stand mess. And I felt it was the least I could do for them, having invaded their privacy like this.

The audio bug and camera are necessary, however, if we are to gain firm evidence that Mr Petrov is indeed an SVR spy, and gather intelligence about the ring of agents which he is allegedly running in this country.

Left the apartment at 12.21pm.

Extract 2: Transcript of recording from audio bug in the Petrov apartment (translated from the Russian), 08/09/16, 6.53pm:

Mrs Petrov (delighted): Darling! You’ve brought that cup back to the kitchen at last, that disgusting coffee cup which I’ve been on at you about for the last two weeks!

Mr Petrov (a little puzzled but doesn’t want to deny it and lose points for good behaviour): Yes, well, darling, it’s the least I can do for you…

Mrs Petrov: And you’ve washed up all the other things, too! How sweet! All of a sudden you’re being so nice to me! Perhaps you do love me after all!

Mr Petrov: Of course I love you, darling! You’re the most wonderful woman in the world!

(Sound of kissing, and Mrs Petrov leaving the room)

Mr Petrov (muttering): Washing up? What’s she talking about? Must have done it herself and forgotten about it. Proof that she really is going round the bend.

Intelligence assessment; disappointing. The sound quality is poor, and the content is of no strategic value whatsoever.

Extract 3: From agent A161’s report, 09/09/16:

Gained access to the Petrov apartment at 09.19am. Mr Petrov at the embassy,  Mrs Petrov at her latest appointment with Dr Cutter, the cosmetic surgeon, at his premises in Harley Street. Adjusted the settings on the audio bug; immediate improvement in sound quality.

Their apartment really is a mess. They had to sack their cleaner a month ago when their living allowances were cut due to Russia’s dire economic situation. Poor things. So I did some dusting in the sitting room and vacuumed the carpets before I left. There was a whole pile of shirts that needed ironing, so I did them as well.  Helping them like this makes me feel a bit less guilty about breaking into their property. Left at 12.37pm.

Extract 4: Transcript of recording from audio bug in the Petrov apartment, 09/09/16, 6.42pm:

Mrs Petrov: (delighted) I say, the place is looking really clean! And all these shirts – so beautifully ironed… (amazed and slightly puzzled) Anton, darling, is this you being nice to me again?

Mr Petrov: Um, well, yes, as I said yesterday, a little help around the house is the least you deserve…

Mrs Petrov: (still puzzled and now slightly suspicious): What’s this all about, Anton? Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden, so helpful..?

Mr Petrov: (evasively, backing away into his study): What do you mean? I don’t understand… now you’re just being silly…

Mrs Petrov; (still puzzled and suspicious) I mean, I do appreciate it, but… (softening)  Of course, it is nice to get the place cleaned up a bit… Perhaps we could get some decorating done…

Mr Petrov (not really listening). Yes, dear, yes, of course.

Mrs Petrov: Here in the hall, for instance. A light pale colour would look really nice. I’ve always wanted Eau de Nile on the walls here, haven’t I, Anton?

Mr Petrov: (absently) Mmmm.  Mmmm.  Quite.

Intelligence assessment: Hopeless. We are no nearer collecting evidence that Mr Petrov is an SVR officer, or information about his spy ring.

Extract 5: From agent A161’s report, 10/09/16:

The camera-footage has shown that Mr Petrov keeps an extra mobile phone locked away in a drawer in his study. So I returned to the Petrov apartment at 10.26am. Mr Petrov on a cultural visit to a Russian centre in Birmingham, Mrs Petrov at the health and beauty spa with a group of female friends with whom she will lunch later in the day. I picked the lock, opened the drawer, and placed a bug in phone. Replaced phone and re-locked drawer.

I was also equipped with three 5 litre pots of Eau de Nile paint, dust sheets, a step-ladder, a roller and a paint brush. Did a lovely job decorating their hallway. Left at 2.57pm.

Extract 6: Transcript of recording from bug in Mr Petrov’s mobile phone, 11/09/16, 10.42am:

Mr Petrov: Listen, Anna. I think she knows. About you and me. About our affair. No, she hasn’t mentioned your name, she hasn’t said anything directly, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she knows everything. She’s suspicious, and she’s acting strangely, playing all these weird psychological games on me, getting things done around the house and then pretending I’ve done them, all sweet and nice, but you can tell she’s suspicious, that she knows something. She’s trying to make me feel guilty and embarrassed, she’s trying to make me crack up, make me confess about you and me, I’m sure that’s what she’s doing…

Extract 7: Transcript of recording from audio bug in the Petrov apartment, 11/09/16, 2.42pm:

Mrs Petrov: Look, Natasha, isn’t it lovely? It makes all the difference here in the hallway, doesn’t it? Exactly the right shade. Wasn’t it thoughtful of Anton to get it done for me? He’s being so nice these days, so helpful around the house, I don’t know what’s got into him. He hasn’t been like this for years, not since we first got married.

Natasha (obviously a friend of Mrs Petrov, but otherwise unidentified): Ah, now, Sonya, listen. I’m one of your oldest friends, aren’t I? Well, I’d be letting you down if I didn’t tell you – there’s only one reason a husband suddenly becomes kind and attentive to his wife after years of ignoring her. It means he’s having an affair.

Mrs Petrov (shocked): No! Oh, no! Not Anton!

Natasha: Oh yes, my dear. Husbands, they’re all the same. You can’t trust any of them. He’s being nice all of a sudden because he’s trying to throw you off the scent, pull the wool over your eyes, and he’s feeling guilty and ashamed –

Mrs Petrov: (angry) The bastard! Just wait till I get hold of him!

Extract 8: Transcript of recording from audio bug in the Petrov apartment, 11/09/16, 7.53pm:

Mrs Petrov (screaming): Anton! Anton! You bastard!

Mr Petrov (alarmed): Now, Sonya, calm down! Put that vase down! Don’t throw it, it’s very valuable, it’s – !

(Sound of vase smashing, then sound fades to a low and steady crackle. The vase must have hit the audio bug and damaged it.)

Intelligence assessment: this whole operation is a waste of time. This farce will never unmask Mr Petrov or his spy ring. At the next meeting with M, will suggest closing it down.

Extract 9: Final page of agent A161’s report, 12/09/16:

Mrs Petrov walked into her local police station this morning and handed over two files. Both are full of top-secret SVR information. The Chelsea police promptly transferred both files to us here at MI5.

Mrs Petrov volunteered a full statement, emphasising that her motive is revenge; her husband betrayed her, so she has betrayed her husband.

The first file documents Petrov’s career in the SVR, giving full details of his records, promotions, decorations, code-names, pass-words, missions, etc. The second file gives the names, addresses, email addresses, mobile phone-numbers, code-names, passwords and full background details of all the spies he is running in this country.

Intelligence assessment: mission accomplished. The operation has been a complete success. It will surely be recognised as one of the most brilliant counter-intelligence coups this century.

 

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