28 January 2016
A Five Star Act
A politician turns comedian. Or vice versa.
By Neil Tidmarsh
This week Beppe Grillo, the comedian who formed the Five Star Movement in 2009 which is now Italy’s second most powerful political party with 91 MPs, announced that he will be backing away from politics and returning to stand-up comedy. He won’t have far to look for material…
Hey! Hello there! Good evening, everybody! Wow, what a wonderful audience we have here tonight! Great to be here!
Well, what’s been happening in Italia this week, folks? It’s been a hoot, hasn’t it? Always is here, but the last seven days, it’s been outstanding! Hilarious! Hasn’t it? Huh?
What about that policeman in San Remo? Alberto Muriglia, the lucky traffic cop who lives in a flat in the same block as his office? Gets out of bed in the morning, clocks on for work in his underpants, then goes back to bed! All secretly filmed as part of the authorities’ campaign against fannulloni (slackers)! Hilarious! But wait, guys, wait – what’s even funnier is what his lawyer says! Alberto does his best work in his underpants, this lawyer guy says! Like some kind of super-hero, huh? This lawyer, Luigi Alberto Zoboli, he says “Once, in his underpants, he stopped a robbery, rushing down into the street with his pistol in his hand and arresting the criminal.” Just like superman or batman – hey, Alberto, do you have a cape as well?
Alberto says he worked for the King of Belgium, Alberto II (how many Albertos is that? Alberto the cop, Luigi Alberto the lawyer, Albert II the king of Belgium… crazy!) for twenty summers, sailing in the Mediterranean, and can call him for a character witness . But Alberto (yes, you, the cop, not you, the king), no one wears trousers on a yacht in the Med in the summer! Not long trousers, anyway. Is that where you got the habit from? Huh?
But at least you were wearing pants, so you’d have been ok to meet Mr Rouhani, who’s visiting us here in Rome this week! The President of Iran! What a guy! Rome is full of beautiful nude statues, right? So they all have to be hidden when Mr Rouhani goes by! So a life-sized statue of Venus standing up in her bath – once the property of Pope Benedict XIV no less – is boarded up! Cupid and Psyche, an ancient Roman marble of two lovers embracing – covered up! Leda and the Swan – Zeus transformed into a swan to seduce some queen or princess – covered up! And that photo opportunity beside the big bronze statue of the philosopher-emperor Marcus Aurelius on horseback – no! Move away! The horse’s genitals are visible just above your head!
I’m not making this up, folks! Every word of this is true! Unbelievable!
But President Rouhani gets the last laugh. He doesn’t drink – alcohol is against his religion – so no wine or any kind of booze is served at the official dinner with the big guys here in Italy or indeed in France, which is his next stop. Italy and France! No wine! Bet he’s giggling into his orange juice while all around him are as grumpy as hell!
But you know what’s the most incredible thing this week? Our prime minister, Matteo Renzi, persuades the Senate to vote themselves out of existence! Yes, all those politicians voting themselves out of a job! Tremendous! Hilarious! Put a big grin on my face all week, that did! What a guy, our prime minister! And he gave those jokers from Google a right spanking this week, didn’t he? Got so much tax out of them that it made those British revenue gents look like a right bunch of fannulloni (slackers)!
Well, that’s it for tonight, folks! You’ve been a great audience! Thanks for listening to my final political speech tonight, my state of the nation address ! I’ll miss you all! I’ll tell you there’s no better venue than this Lower Chamber in Italy’s parliament! So next week I go back to stand-up comedy – catch me at Caesar’s Palace next Tuesday! Until then, God bless and good night! Have a safe journey home!
And if you bump into President Rouhani on the way, make sure you’ve got your pants on! Just like Alberto the traffic cop!
