17 December 2015
The Top Dogs’ Dogs
A dog’s life at the top.
by Neil Tidmarsh
It’s been a good week for news stories about Top Dogs’ dogs.
In Thailand, a factory worker has been arrested and charged with the crime of lese-majeste because of alleged “sarcastic comments” made on-line about Tong Daeng, King Bhumipol’s pet dog.
In Israel, prime minister Benyamin Netanyahu’s pet dog Kaya is in the dog-house because she bit two guests at a Hannukah celebration (she bit Mr Netanyahu himself this summer).
In Russia, the ministry of internal affairs presented the French embassy in Moscow with a german shepherd puppy called Dobrynya as a replacement for Diesel, the French police dog killed in the raid on terrorists in Paris. Dobrynya will be trained at an elite training school for police dogs near Paris.
It emerged that President Putin himself is a dog-lover. His big black Labrador Koni was useful in intimidating Angela Merkel, who is scared of dogs. Not to mention ‘dissing’ George W Bush and his terrier Barney; “Call that a dog?” Putin allegedly said, then indicated Koni. “Bigger, stronger and faster than Barney.” In recent years he has been photographed romping in the snow with Buffy, his Bulgarian shepherd, and Yume, his Japanese akita-inu.
Here’s Dobrynya in Paris skyping his Kremlin friends Buffy and Yume in Moscow:
DOBRYNYA: (excited) Hey, copains, listen! This school, it is great! Unbelievable food, and drink! We had champagne and foie gras to celebrate my arrival!
BUFFY: (wistful and gloomy) No champagne or foie gras in Russia since idiots in Ukraine started shooting off and triggered protectionist trade war with Europe. Now mouldy potatoes and melted snow…
YUME: (jealous but defiant) Potato and water good enough for heroic Russian worker, make him big and strong, good enough for dogs of Great Master President! Most famous Russian dogs in world!
DOBRYNYA: Excuse me, but I am now most famous Russian dog in world!
BUFFY: (before Yume can reply): Sainted Laika most famous Russian dog in world! Sent up to dog heaven in sputnik!
DOBRYNYA and YUME: Yes! Laika! Holy and sacred! May her ashes orbit earth and mother Russia for ever!
DOBRYNYA: Listen, Paris, France, it is all brilliant! This school, it is dog’s b–, sorry, it is human’s testicles! There are drugs all over place for us to sniff, there are weapons for us to sniff, pistols and rifles for us to play with! And when I pass exams, we are going to hang around in bars and night-clubs in Paris looking for bad men with bombs and guns and drugs, so I can bite them! But enough about me, what have you been up to?
BUFFY: Well, you know Great Master President, he like outdoor sport; we go for ski in mountains.
YUME: Then we go for tramp in woods.
DOBRYNKA: Did you catch him?
YUME: Of course. No tramp in world can run faster than dogs of Great Master President!
BUFFY: (sneezes violently)
DOBRYNKA: What is wrong with Buffy? He seem under weather.
YUME: He read too much Dogstoevsky, now winter and snow and darkness here, he read too much gloomy stuff and drink too much vodka.
BUFFY: No, it is just that Great Master President always insist we go out in snow without blanket or dog-coat, bare-chested, macho. So I get cold. Flu. Pneumonia… (coughs)
DOBRYNKA: Hey, listen, next summer I’m going down to the Riviera! San Tropez, Cap Ferat, Cannes! Guarding movie stars at the Cannes Film Festival! Where are you going for your holidays?
BUFFY: We were going to Egypt and Turkey with our oligarch friends, but now we have to holiday in Russia.
YUMI: There are good beaches in Crimea! Best beaches in world!
BUFFY: But there is no power in Crimea. No electricity. Terrorists cut power line from Ukraine.
DOBRYNKA: Here, listen! I have been learning some French! Some chat-up line for sexy, sophisticated Paris b- , sorry, mustn’t use that word, lady dogs, I mean! Listen! “T’empeste merveilleuxment, comme te roule sur un chose mort dix ans!”
YUMI: What does that mean?
DOBRYNKA: “You stink great, like you rolled in thing dead for ten years!”
BUFFY: Cool! Always works!
DOBRYNKA: And what about this? “Je sais ou sont les cadavres, je le deterre, nous le fassions le déjeuner?”
YUMI: What does that mean?
DOBRYNKA: It means “I know where bodies are buried. I dig one up, we have it for lunch together?”
BUFFY: Great! Can’t fail!
DOBRYNKA: This is picture of my sexy, sophisticated, new French girlfriend. She poodle, see? Very French, very sexy!
YUMI: (jealous, bitter, changing subject) Talk of girl dogs, did you hear about friend Kaya in Israel? Bit her Great Master Prime Minister last summer? Now bite two of Great Master Prime Minister’s guests this week?
DOBRYNKA: Yes! Go Kaya! What a girl!
BUFFY: And did you hear about friend Tong Deng in Thailand? Had someone arrested and thrown into jail for dissing him on Facebook?
DOBRYNKA: Yes! Respect to Tong Deng! Respect to King Bhumipol!
YUMI: No one would dare to diss Yumi and Buffy, famous dogs of Kremlin, on-line!
DOBRYNKA: Ah, well, now I am security dog, my friends in French security services snooping on web have friends in England, in GCHQ, who say that someone in England doing that right now, at this very moment! In something called Shaw Sheet!
BUFFY: But England country of dog lovers!
YUMI: Yes, Queen of England our favourite Queen! She love dogs! God save Queen!
DOBRYNKA: But this man – at Shaw Sheet – he have two cats…
BUFFY: Grrrrr! Grrrrrr! Grrrrrr!
YUMI: What is his name?
DOBRYNKA: Neil Tidmarsh…
YUMI: What? Author of “Fear of Dog”? Great thriller about big, fierce, killer dogs? But I love that book! My number one favourite! Buy it for friends, family, for Christmas, from Amazon! No, Neil Tidmarsh OK!
DOBRYNKA: Listen, fellow Russian dogs, I have to go now! Me and new French mates are about to hit town! Paint Paris red! Montmartre by moonlight, Eiffel Tower, Left Bank, bifstek, pommes frites, cassoulet, coq au vin, vin rouge, boit de nuit, Chateau Lafitte… Au revoir! Talk again soon!
YUMI: (turns off Skype) Clear off then, you pretentious Frenchified fop! Thinks he better than us, does he? Well, we will teach him lesson or two! Remember Trotsky, thought he was number one most famous Russian in world? Remember other French dog, silent film star Uggy, thought he most famous dog in world? Well, what happened to them, eh?
BUFFY (worried): What are you going to do, Yumi?
YUMI: Talk to Great Master President’s French friends, Madame Le Pen’s bitches. Sorry, shouldn’t use that word. Call in favour or two. See if they can arrange little accident… Yes, protest that gets out of hand… violent demonstration, clashes with police… or little set-up… yes, corrupt policeman persuaded to plant dope or cocaine under certain trainee police-dog’s blanket…
BUFFY: But what would Great Master President say?
YUMI: Good point, Buffy. After all, Great Master President would never do anything like that himself, would he?
