10 September 2015

How to be a Tedious Teenager

by Lynda Goetz

The Guide 

Parents, as we all know, can be terminally tedious and irritating. Teenagers have far more understanding of how the modern world really works and should, of course, be left to get on with their lives without interference from boring adults. Here is a brief guide on how to shut them out so that you can continue your existence free from their irritating interruptions:-

1. Make sure you are wearing headphones at all times so that any requests to help lay the table or other pointless activities cannot be heard.
2. Should you have the misfortune to be without the headphones and cannot avoid hearing ‘requests’ for your active participation in family life give the standard response, “Yeah Okaaay”. This should keep them off your back for a little while longer.
3. When they repeat the ‘request’, (which has by now become a demand) explain patiently that you need to ‘shut down’ whatever programme, game or YouTube video you are currently involved in.
4. When asked whether you would like pizza for lunch, give the standard response, “Yeah Okaaay” and leave them to get on with preparing this for you. It is part of their parental responsibilities to feed you, after all. Always remember you didn’t ask to be born.
5. Should you be asked to put your dirty washing in the wash bin, or more annoyingly to bring it downstairs to the utility room, give the standard response “Yeah Okaaay” and do this in your own time. Washing stuff is nothing to do with you after all.
6. The same should apply to dishwashers and even worse things like actually washing or drying up. This is slightly trickier, however, as you are usually cornered in the kitchen at this point. Try the tactic of retreating to the bathroom on the grounds of an urgent need to go to the loo/wash your hands/clean your teeth. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work.
7. If you are in your room sexting your latest girlfriend/boyfriend do keep the door locked. If asked you are doing homework. (Sexting, by the way, is a slightly dodgy activity and can end up with you on the police database, even if you are not actually arrested or charged – if you are a boy that is. If you are a girl it could be peer reaction that is the problem)
8. On the subject of homework, this is, of course, always what you are engaged in when you are on Facebook etc. etc.
9. If asked if you’ve had a shower, cleaned your teeth, changed your socks/T-shirt whatever, the first answer is always “Yeah” (without the Okaaay). If this is met with total scepticism or outright disbelief, roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders and turn around as if to suggest that if they don’t believe you, you will go and do it all over again just to keep them happy. This is the point at which you can add the “Okaaay”.
10. If offered the chance to be taken shopping for new clothes or sports gear give the standard response, as above; likewise a family holiday to the Caribbean. Don’t give them the satisfaction of thinking you may actually enjoy participating in anything which involves them.

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