Issue 152: 2018 05 03: French Conspiracy

03 May 2018

French Conspiracy

Another Louis!

By Chin Chin

Louis, I ask you!  Fifth in line to the throne of England and with a French name.  And not just any French name either.  It’s a name which has been borne by nineteen French kings, one of them hyphenated and another, even more pretentiously, canonised.  What on earth were they all thinking about?

They got carried away.  That is the truth of it.  Lord Mountbatten of Burma was a Louis and they thought that a good precedent.  In fact it was only an accident of history.  Originally, he was Prince Louis of Battenberg, but, because of hostilities with Germany, he changed his surname to Mountbatten.  If the hostilities had been with France, he would have changed his Christian name to Lewis.  Anyway, for once we were not fighting France so Louis it remained and some royal official, the Groom of Royal Names most likely, chose it for the new prince.  Odd.

Actually, I think it is more than odd.  I smell a conspiracy.  We all know how Macron is out to restore the economic fortunes of France.  I think he’s after more than that and is hoping to bring Great Britain and Northern Ireland into a new French Empire.

This has been on the French bucket list for some time.  By rights, of course, most of France belongs to us, and we worked to establish our claim until we were kicked out of Calais in 1558.  For hundreds of years before that the French had been conspiring away, asking themselves “what have the British done for us”, the very question the Jews asked about the Romans in “Life of Brian.”  In fact our contribution to their culture was immense.  We invented “le weekend” and the term “Claret” (short for “clear red”) is a tribute to British domination of the wine industry.  Once we had gone, they realised they had lost their best bit so they sat thinking up ideas for taking us over.  From time to time they change their approach. Louis XIV, tried to take de facto control by backing the Stuart pretenders.  Napoleon tried the more direct route of force of arms.  Jacques Delors tried to entrap us with EU regulations.  None of it worked and now it is Macron’s turn.

We have all seen him trying to get in with Donald Trump.  A kiss here, a joke there, a speech from the cushion.  No, I mean he was standing on a cushion to make the speech, the cushion didn’t actually speak – not that you could tell the difference, come to that.  That is how modern French diplomacy works, a general oiling of the wheels so that Macron can slip between them.  Well don’t think that America is the only place in which it is applied.

Quite how Macron managed to ingratiate himself with the Groom of the Royal Names is unclear.  Perhaps it was a bribe; perhaps a well targeted piece of blackmail.  Still, the next moves are all fairly obvious.  The first is to bring Prince Louis up the pecking order.  Four separate fatal accidents is rather a lot, so they will probably try to split the young Prince away from the Royal family and get the rest in one go.  A helicopter crash, perhaps, or a dish of time-expired lampreys.  Who knows what the Sûreté will attempt, but if I were part of the security detail looking after the Royal Family, I would keep an eye out for an activity or a dish in which only the young Prince is too young to participate.  From then on, it’s easy.  A Louis on the throne of England would be a tacit acknowledgement of feudal duty and before long he would be trotting across to pay a little homage in the Élysée.  Then the substitution of a Frenchman of identical appearance or perhaps a brainwashing as per the Manchurian Candidate.  Or a special drug, say, administered in an éclair.  Who knows what the details will be, but one thing is sure.  The King of England would answer to the President of France and the dreams of Louis XIV, Napoleon and Jacques Delors would have been realised.

But it’s not too late. The Prince isn’t christened yet and there is still time for them to change their minds and use a good English name.  Probably it would be better not to use a conventional Royal name since, apart from Victoria, which would be too eccentric, most of these have been blotted at some point or another.  Henry, for example, although the name of the great Bolingbroke and the glorious Henry of Monmouth, also brings to mind the ineffectual Henry III and his ogre-like namesake Henry VIII.  Neither John nor Stephen were particularly good examples of a monarch and the Edwards, although they got off to a rousing start with Edward I and Edward III, were let down by numbers 2 (too many favourites), 6 (Protestant pedant) and 8 (too close to the Nazis and Wallis Simpson).  No, it would be safer to go for a less common name which has not borne Royal Honours before.

When you think about it, the name Chin might do quite well.  It is relatively uncommon among the upper classes and so has probably not been blotted.  It would go down well in China, somewhere where we may shortly be in need of a trade deal.  Also it is nice name, a euphonious name, a glorious name, an attractive name, a name for leaders, a name for conquerors, a name for gods, a name of good omen…”


Note from the Editors: Unfortunately Chin Chin began foaming at the mouth at this point and had to be put in a straitjacket.  His column is suspended indefinitely.


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