11 May 2017
D***, and B****
Swearing as an aid to performance.
By Chin Chin
Those who believe that peaks and troughs should generally cancel out will be relieved that there is a useful contribution from academia in this week’s press. Following Oxford’s half-witted comment that diverting the eyes is a form of racism and their snivelling apology (which, instead of just confessing that they are idiots and promising that the backsides of those responsible would be kicked hard, bleated on about how their comments might affect the autistic), Keele University has stepped into the breach with a worthwhile piece of research. Apparently swearing boosts athletic performance. Whether you are cycling, gripping a bar or demonstrating fortitude by submerging your hand in icy water, swearing as you do so makes you do it better.
It is one of those moments when research produces evidence for something that many knew instinctively, exploiting the principle without understanding the theory. The New Zealand rugby team begins its matches with a Haka, and, although I have no idea whether that includes swear words or not, is certainly fairly aggressive. Boxers insult each other at the weigh in. Footballers swear at those they are trying to mark. Even at the boat race, that most Corinthian of events, the shouting of the coxes often has to be kept off the air.
It is not just in sports, either, that the principle holds good. I remember taking a particularly difficult set of exams and receiving from my sister a photograph of Clint Eastwood. I put it in front of me on the desk and, as the papers were being handed out, would catch his eye and mutter towards the invigilator those immortal words “make my day, punk”. Actually, it may not have been such a mutter because the person in front of me look around very nervously and then asked to change his desk. Still, I’m sure that it is what got me through the exams.
Now we understand the principle better, the question is how best to apply it. Sometimes that can be difficult, even in circumstances where a bit of aggression would clearly boost performance; job interviews, for example.
No, no, I am not suggesting that you begin the interview by telling those interviewing you to “fuck off”. That sort of language may be all very well at the end when they have just said “I am afraid that your impressive talents are not quite right for this company,” but right at the beginning? No, better not. A more subtle way of introducing a swear word into the conversation is clearly called for.
One possibility is to create a minor accident. Knock your coffee into the interviewer’s lap, for example. The advantage of that is that it leaves you with a choice of approaches. You can either say “oh fuck” in a man of action challenging fate type of way. That would be appropriate if you are being interviewed by an investment bank or possibly a property developer. Alternatively, if the position is one which requires an apologetic demeanour, a Bank of England economic forecaster perhaps, you can get your swear word in by way of apology. “Oh God, I am terribly sorry.” Of course if the coffee is hot enough, the interviewer won’t focus much on which approach you took.
But what about meetings where you need to be hyped up but overt swearing would not do at all, a meeting with a Bishop, perhaps? Then you may have to result to subterfuge. That famous wit A.P.Herbert, on being invited to dine by the Master of New College, Oxford, took bets with his friends that he would say “arseholes” during the evening. The occasion was a formal one and the expression not much used in polite society just before the first world war. His fellow guests, or at least those who had taken the wager, waited in a state of excited expectation. The soup course passed without incident. Then came the fish. “Ah, soles I see,” remarked Herbert, helping himself to the proffered dish and at the same time securing his winnings.
Another possibility would be to use an obscure swearword which only you would recognise. The best place to look for these is in the Middle Ages when the prefixes “S or “Z” were used to denote the word “His”, the He in question being, of course, Christ. Hence “Sdeath” for “His Death”, “Zounds” for “His Wounds” etc. This system for inventing swearwords became quite developed and, although it may not have gone as far as “Sknife” and “Sfork”, “Sblood” was certainly in use for “His Blood” and “Struth” for “His Truth”. Now, although if you strode into a meeting and began with the line “Sblood it is cold out there,” people would think you were rather odd, “Struth” is still in common use and you would almost certainly get away with that.
What the research by Keele doesn’t tell us is whether swearwords still work if you have to hide them away. Perhaps they do or perhaps they don’t, but the best plan must be to deliver them straight out with no qualifications. It is here that I have something of an advantage. Most meetings start by the participants stating their names and why they are there. I wait my turn and, when the chairman looks in my direction, I simply say “Chin, Chin”. He will think I am stating my name but actually, I know better. To say “Chin, Chin” to someone is extremely rude if you are speaking Japanese.
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