12 May 2016

Children Starting School…

… swiping but not speaking.

by Lynda Goetz

‘Around one in three children starting school is not ready for the classroom, with many lacking social skills, suffering speech problems or not toilet trained.’

A reception class (with apologies and acknowledgements to the late Joyce Grenfell):

Good morning, children. I’m sure you’re all raring to go for your second week at school. I hope you all had a lovely weekend. Wasn’t the weather wonderful? You didn’t notice? Were all of you indoors? Oh dear, that’s a shame.

Today we have a visitor. Jenny is an author and she is going to read you a story from her new book and then we can talk about it afterwards.

‘What’s a book?’ you say, Neville? Well I’m sure one of the others can tell you what a book is.

Can you tell him, Susan? No?

How about you Tracey, can you tell Neville what a book is?

I didn’t catch that, Tracey. It sounded a bit like a piggy’s grunt.

No, well what about you, Lavinia? Yes, that’s right. It is something you have pictures and words in. No, it’s not a phone, Dolores.

Yes, you do turn the pages.

What’s that Dickie? You don’t know what that means. Well, of course you know what that means. When Mummy reads you a bedtime story she turns the pages so that you can look at the pictures on each page and she can read the words to you.

No, Sidney, you can’t ‘swipe’ the pages.

No, George, don’t do that.

Darren, let go of Lavinia’s ponytail. No, I know she’s not a pony. Darren, just let go.

What’s that Bryony, Mummy doesn’t read her phone to you when you go to bed? No, of course she doesn’t. She reads a book. She doesn’t?

Yes, Darren, I’m sure Daddy has pictures on his phone. Really? I don’t think so. No, I’m sure he wouldn’t.

You have an iPad, Sidney, that’s wonderful. You are a lucky boy.

You can do ‘colouring in’ on yours, can you, Bryony? That’s very good. I’m sure that’s a really fun App. You could try making pictures with some crayons or some paints just for a change.

Did you say they were stupid? You must try and speak clearly. People won’t understand you otherwise. No, I really don’t think you need the ‘F’ word in there, Bryony. It’s really not necessary and not a very nice word for a little girl to use.

Does that gesture mean you need to go to the toilet, Johnny? And you want me to go with you? You’re five years old. I’m sure you can go on your own. Off you go.

Now, shall we let our visitor show us her lovely new book and read us one of the stories from it? No, that’s not boring, Neville. It’s a lovely story about mice.

No, I did mean mice.That’s the plural of mouse. What’s a plural? Well, I’m sure you’ll learn that when you get to the appropriate SATS level. Yes, Lavinia, it means there’s more than one. No, we don’t say mouses or mices, Brett. They do in ‘Tom and Jerry’? I don’t care how they pronounce it; it still isn’t the correct way of referring to more than one mouse. Yes, I know you normally add an ‘s’, Lavinia, but some plurals are irregular. Well, it means they are different from the usual plurals. (It’s probably in your SATS test as well). Shall we just listen to the lovely story about mice that Jenny has written and come in to read to us today?

George, what did I ask you not to do? Then, don’t do it.

Sidney, I do know that a phone or an iPad doesn’t need a mouse. That isn’t the sort of mouse we are talking about. We are talking about the small furry animals.

No, Peggy, we don’t have any in our cupboard. You saw one? When Darren locked you in?

Darren, what were you doing locking Peggy in the cupboard? She was trying to take your phone? You were told not to bring phones into school. No, they are not more interesting than boring old books.

Neville, did you really flush the toilet when Darren’s phone fell into it?

Well I do hope your Dad won’t lose his rag and ‘sort us all out’, Darren. That doesn’t sound at all nice.

Oh, dear. No, I can’t understand what you’re saying, Lily, but I can see you’ve had a little accident. No, class, it’s not funny. Lily, just go with Miss Hall and she’ll sort you out.

Now, shall we all just sit quietly and listen to Jenny and then we can talk after the story?

No, perhaps you don’t see the point of talking about the story, Rosemary, but sometimes it is interesting to hear what other people have to say about things.

You don’t think so, Tracey. Is that what you said? No-one talks in your house? Well, maybe they don’t, but perhaps that is one of the new things we can learn to do here.

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